Today as I step out of bed, I feel a strong sense of detachment.
I sit, pause for a while and wonder why. It is for sure not a sudden development but a gradual progression over a few weeks. As analytical as my mind is, it immediately begins to connect dots and venture deep.
Is it emptiness? Is it just indifference? Or is it in fact just lack of sleep?
It could be none of these or a juxtaposition of all of these. But something tells me, it is more. I let that feeling take over. I do not shake it away like I do otherwise.
I indulge into the silence that is right now ringing within and around me. The situation I am most afraid of is finally staring at my face, and for the first time ever I am not running away from it.
The feeling of nothingness just keeps growing with every passing minute. I am able to see things clearly. The clarity is equivalent to a glass door so clear that you would without a doubt go straight ahead and bump into it.
You could very well call it stark or even brutal for that matter. It is a feeling you get when you are inside a cave, inside a deep empty well or in the expanse of a huge mountain.
I have a strong urge to distract myself and indulge into anything that would take my mind off this feeling, but I restrain myself. I let it engulf me. I am sucked so deep into it that I want to see myself through. I am highly intrigued to find out what lies at the end of this seemingly endless dark tunnel of nothingness.
My mind tries hard to fall into one of its regular patterns of either escaping into a reverie or thinking of a series of events from the past. It is dying to jump; it is in fact close to a fish struggling without water. The desperate effort that my mind is making is almost funny and is giving my sadistic side a great sense of pleasure. Nothing really is complex right now as things are as clear as they could ever be.
The things that usually make me smile seem exceedingly hyped at this moment. The things that make me sad seem highly unimportant and futile. The things that make me angry seem like a passing joke. And the things that usually distract me seem like potent drugs waiting to kill me.
At this moment I can’t help but laugh at the state of shallowness I often put myself into. It is as good as digging your own grave. At this moment I can already see a train of thoughts racing forward to distract me from this state of mind. It is not only advancing quickly but is also whistling away loudly, making sure there is no lack of effort in the attempt. I decide to take a chance and let it pass. It gushes through my mind and passes without any impact. I am more than surprised at the length and depth of this nothingness that has dawned upon me today.
Having failed at every attempt, my mind has almost given up. Just then it flashes an image of ‘him’ and the tunnel of nothingness disappears. I have lost another battle. My mind along with my heart has played a nasty trick and won me over. Oh, my dear heart, you always fail me!