Chaos, today I am nothing but chaos. There is zero clarity. Everything is clouded and messed up. By everything I mean my thoughts. I am afraid at this moment as chaos leaves me confused. It leaves me hanging in the middle. There is no particular start or end to it. It just is. I feel insecurity, because cloudiness induces insecurity. I feel lonely, left out and angry. Angry for what I am. Or maybe, angry for what I am not. I feel lost, but I don’t have the will to find my way back. I feel unrest, distrust and a lot of other things. The feelings are so mixed up that I am unable to even identify what exactly I am feeling.
So I give up. I give up trying to figure out what is happening to me and feel everything to its very depth. It is the stage of acceptance. Tears become the messengers that carry the burst of emotions out of my system. I let it all flow out. Slowly and steadily I feel the chaos turning into order within me. Now I am feeling nothing, where just a few minutes back I was feeling so much. The emotions have found their way out. The pattern of chaos has now transformed itself into the pattern of order.
I can’t help but wonder – do these words actually exist, or is it just a single idea represented in two different forms? Is order, organized chaos and vice versa? Order in other words can be described as a particular pattern. Anything that repeats itself within a certain interval is a pattern. And when anything follows a pattern it is considered to be in order. So let us assume order is a form of pattern. Does that mean chaos is not? Chaos is random. It is utter confusion and mess sometimes. But anyway, it exists. Somehow I feel there is order in chaos too. It is a pattern none of us can understand or see clearly, which does not mean it doesn’t exist. Chaos is nevertheless beautiful. It is the very essence of life. But neither chaos nor order can exist without each other. They are like yin and yang. We can define order only because chaos exists and vice versa.
I relate to chaos more than I relate to order somehow, because chaos can have unexpected results. You never know what it might lead you into. It is random so it opens up endless possibilities to a certain situation. I more or less follow a chaotic or a random pattern in life, also because it is a part of my nature. When I look back I can see how I have been leading a random pattern.Yes it is a pattern and like other patterns it repeats. Just that, each time it repeats it is a pattern I understand slightly more. Of course since yin and yang cannot exist without each other, chaos and order too walk hand in hand.
There was a time in my life when only chaos existed, order was far from reach. The rebel in me kept me from falling into the pattern of order. That is another thing about patterns; they make you feel like nothing else exists. They are like blinkers; you only see things in a certain way,until you fall out of them and notice that you are not chaos or order or any other pattern. You are none of the patterns you follow. You just fall in and out of a pattern, and that does not mean you are the pattern itself.
If we observe closely, there are patterns everywhere, in nature, in people, in things, etc. That is just how it functions. It is all so intricate that if observed minutely one can see that there are patterns within patterns. It is hard to see them all because we ourselves are in it. Like I mentioned before, we end up becoming the patterns we follow. Patterns slowly become habits and habits become you. But if we reverse it and look at it from a distance without getting involved, it is YOU and then there are patterns and habits. They surely make or break you, but they are not you.
At the end I realized that some amount of order is necessary to my chaos, and so I mixed and matched a little bit of both to hopefully reach a happy medium. Finally somewhere between chaos and order, I still do not understand one thing though. Are there patterns in Life? Or is there Life in patterns?