Quarantine Musings – Part 01

I feel the extreme need to fix. Fix things, fix myself, and fix people. Life broke everything that I tried to build so many times, considering the person I am who never gives up easily; I became a fixer by default. I should’ve gotten used to being and seeing things broken and not being able to fix anything you say? Well, I guess I never really fully fixed anything, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. As soon as I got halfway through fixing something, something else broke. At any given point of time I would say there were several things in my life were broken and fixed at varying degree, but nothing ever really healed fully. There could be one reason why I had this recurring experience because either my definition of broken was wrong, or I was way too sensitive and I couldn’t handle even slight diversions in the plans that I had made for me and my life. Actually I can think of one more reason, I was and have always been extremely impatient and I cannot tolerate delay in anything pertaining to my life and hence when one thing didn’t work out which was, by the way, a part of the process, I treated it like an endpoint and considered it a break. I do not know which of these is true, as surely I can think of several moments where either of these could have been true. So I feel like it was a mix of all of these factors. If I come to think of it, had I been less sensitive, would have I handled these same situations differently? Maybe yes, maybe no, it really depends on the situation. But then why that sense of being wronged? Of being kept away from what I thought I deserved and was very basic? I can’t help but wonder, why does the test seem so hard if it really isn’t? If we believe that difficulties and being broken are a part of everyone’s lives, then why does mine seem so much more arduous. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I dramatic?

At this point, I feel the need to caution myself as I am over analysing this thought in my head and that everything doesn’t need a logical explanation. But the way my mind is wired, I need to resolve things as soon as possible to the best of my abilities because being unclear was never an option. I had to go back to living my life normally after all.

Sometimes I think of weird things, actually most of the times I think of weird things. Why are people so faulty? Moreover saying something like I will accept myself with all my faults is used as a cover for never trying to get better. Change is fundamental to life. It’s nature’s most important and basic law, the only constant thing. Please get this right, I am not talking about the idea of perfection here. Perfection is a notion just like reality is. I am not trying to say that faults in people are bad, they have to exist that’s what helps us see the other side of things and like they say that’s what makes us human. Though, sometimes I feel the argument that we use when we say ‘to err is human to forgive is divine’ is misused. Everyone should make mistakes. Everyone should accept know and accept that the faults in them. But it is equally important to feel the need to work upon them, to grow as a human being, to realise, to notice, to pause, to accept and finally change. Not to try to be perfect in any way. I have never been able to make anyone else understand this thought as clearly as it appears in my head. Also,  I have never really tried hard enough I would want to believe. If I come to think of it, I might even have but considering the issue at hand I would have given up long back.

In closing the loop, I might be a fixer, and might still be broken at the same time, but I choose to not be defined by either of those. I am at different points within this spectrum at any given point in time and I switch from time to time. I change. I embrace it. Then I suddenly retaliate. And then I embrace it again. But in the end, I still try. I try to learn, to grow, to look beyond. I might look back several times. I might take a few steps back too, but as long as I am moving, there is always hope!

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