Sometimes it is so hard to make out what we exactly feel. Most people would in fact say that it is always difficult to understand what we exactly feel. It is just impossible to reason it out. Sometimes there are certain places, songs, and déjà vu moments which remind you of a certain memory from past. The emotion attached to the memory flushes so strongly through you that you actually feel like you are reliving that same time again. The pull is so strong that you can’t resist falling into the pattern of going back and reliving it again and again.
Sometimes the strings of our imagination are so strong that we actually begin to see that particular person or thing in front of us in a way that it feels so, very real! But alas, it isn’t. At this moment I am thinking of him. HE is either a figment of my imagination or my reality – I could never figure or reason that out. But HE has always been a dream, a hope, the truth I can never deny. HE is in fact so unreal that I try hard to look for him in every other person. Maybe that is the reason why I feel connected to multiple beings – it is almost as if he isn’t one person but is divided into parts which I find in so many around me.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’m looking for but I’m sure I am looking for something religiously. Sometimes HE is near and sometimes so far away. But more or less I feel like he isn’t outside but is within. But then I wonder, if he is within, then why am I looking for him? Why are there times when I feel like I’ve lost him? And then there are those times when he seems so far away that I feel out of place, unrecognizable to myself. At one moment he is my desire the other he is just a dream which will never come true. The surprising thing is that at times I just want to get away from him because I am afraid he is going to hurt me, I have a feeling he is capable of doing it. Only he is capable of doing it somehow; because the rest of the world does not matter anymore. Then again I wonder how something which doesn’t even exist be so impactful?
My own thoughts contradict my gut feeling; they never get along well anyway. They are like those two friends who love each other a lot but whenever together they fight and argue. I am so lost in the quest to look for him that sometimes I forget what I am looking for. That is the time when he suddenly appears in some form or the other and reminds me of him. He is like the ghost of an ex who appears the moment I stop thinking about him.
The quest has been so intense that there was a time in my life when I thought I was making him up and that he was the hero of my fiction. But slowly and steadily I realized it isn’t a fiction and that he does exist, just in a non- recognizable form. When I wonder what our relationship means, there are no tags I can attach. Because, I feel everything from love to hate for him. And the fact that I feel everything for him makes him the hero of my story.
Sometimes I just can’t help doubting my mental state, is he driving me crazy? Maybe he is. He has me hooked for this lifetime. He is everything I am looking for. Let’s say he is the definition of every word in the truest form to me. But the saddest part is that I meet him only when I write. Words have brought me closer to him. Meanwhile, I have again lost track of what I was looking for and I already feel him around me. I smile to myself and continue penning down my thoughts. HE is the drug and I’m totally high on him. HE is the destination and I’m the lost traveler. The million dollar question is – who is he? Well he is MYSELF.