There is that moment in one’s life, when you neither look back and repent or regret, nor do you look forward and expect. You just push all these thoughts away and continue living the present moment.“Why did I have to do this?”, “why did that happen?”, “what if that would not have happened?” – seem like unimportant thoughts, just like background noise.Similarly, questions like, “will it ever happen?”, “is it the right thing to do?”, “will I still be happy?”, seem like petty things.
I have always thought of that moment, just like they show in movies – when everything around you is in a haze. It all stops and you are entirely focused on one thing. I always used to wonder if I would ever experience that moment in my life. How would it be like? Today when it is actually happening I smile at myself, it is the same feeling but without the special effects in the background that they show in the movie. It is a moment that is very personal. I will surely be able to share it with someone, but explain; never.
What does it feel like? Well, it feels peaceful. I feel far away. I am directed back to that sunset I experienced a few weeks back on the banks of the river Tungabhadra in Hampi. I am aware; I can hear every sound around me. I can feel it all without any thought disrupting my peace of mind.
But I crave to go back to a home which I don’t even know exists or not. I am in love with this person who I don’t know or will never know. I crave for a feeling I can never define. Some people call it heaven, some call it nirvana. There is not one but many moments that are similar to this one.
I have always had that feeling of not belonging to this place. The stark detachment to everything that happens around you and that constant pull for a place, person or thing that you know is somewhere. You see glimpses of it every now and then but you feel like you are kept away from it for a reason? You will see it once in a while and it will fill you up with enthusiasm and lots of energy. But, along with that it will fill you up with even more restlessness to get there, to be that. It is ironic, because the answer fills me up with so many more questions. I am seeking for something for sure, we all are.
Let us think of it in this way. It is a huge game of treasure hunt. There are billions of players, each and every one of us is capable and wants to find the treasure. We are always looking for a new clue which leads us to the further clue.
There is a trap every now and then which seems like a clue but isn’t. There are death traps, dead ends and hurdles every now and then. There are hints, bonus points and multiple chances but there are no shortcuts and cheat codes.
Is it the survival of the fittest? Is there a winner? What is the reward? No, it is the survival of those who refuse to give up, who carry on irrespective of the result. Who believe that one day they will reach that place, person or feeling they crave for.
But unlike other races, this race is not so competitive. It spreads over a long stretch of time. It gives you multiple chances, but one wrong step and you fall down the ladder. The only way up is playing it all over again. You will keep facing similar challenges, hurdles, and obstacles till you finally see the message behind it.
In fact, it is very similar to a game of snakes and ladders. A place where finish lines are death traps and dead ends are actually your key to the finish line, when does one know they have reached the end?
You know it is the end when every moment of your journey flashes in front of you and you accept it all as a part of you, when the destination doesn’t matter to you, when your questions have no answers and you don’t need them at all.
In the end you win when the winning does not matter to you at all.
When sadness and happiness are just words. When none of these emotions hinder your eternal happiness. When you are detached. When your true identity is not determined by anything or anyone. When you know that all this while you were blinded and that today you have woken up from a deep slumber. When you forget that you had a separate identity of your own. In the end I feel it’s the end when you know it is finally a beginning. When finally you lose yourself completely because you know that you have finally found yourself.